Let’s talk about school. Yes, I know it’s definitely not everyone’s favorite subject. I know it hasn’t been mine for the past couple of months! It is actually really weird for me to not like talking about school because I have always enjoyed school. I love learning. I love when I get to buy new school supplies or go buy books because I am literally just so excited for my classes! You can call me crazy if you want to, but I see myself as driven and hardworking. Until this semester.
In my last post, I mentioned how there are different seasons of life, just like there are different seasons of weather. I also mentioned how the season I am currently experiencing (physically and emotionally) has been difficult for me, to say the least. I managed to slip in a comment about how my relationship with God has been stagnant, and I would like to further touch on this later.
My junior year at Tech has been anything but easy. If you read my last post then you know what keeps me going (and even what keeps me up at night). I had always enjoyed school until this semester. It has been a huge struggle for me to find Jesus in all of the things that I am involved in. When it got to the point where I was breaking down, I would remind myself that if I could just make it through this one semester, then I would become Super Woman and I could officially conquer anything that was set before me. My super powers would consist of being disciplined, organized, a genius, and not to mention, being perfect.
So here I am. My thanksgiving break just started and I’m wondering why my super powers haven’t kicked in yet. Why did I almost pull TWO all-nighters in a row to finish studying for exams if I’m super disciplined and organized and a genius and perfect?! Something is wrong. The Keeper of the super powers must have forgot about me because I AM STRUGGLING.
And just when I can’t complain anymore, God says, “Hey, whatcha doin’?” I turn to God and say, “Not right now God. Look, I know You’re holding everything in Your hands and that I’m supposed to trust You, but not right now! I need to figure this one out on my own.” Wow. Did I just say that to GOD??? I just rejected the One who created me. He created my brain, my heart, my digestive system, my cells, the systems in my cells, and the systems within the systems (I’m currently taking Biochemistry, if you can’t tell), and I just rejected Him. I said “no thanks” to the One I should be eternally thankful to. Then I realize something else. I do this every day. Every time I complain about even the tiniest problem. Every time I try to do something without God’s help. Every time He offers me His hand and I ignore it and push myself up, only to fall back down again.
I feel like the one fear that all humans have in common is the fear of being rejected. It makes me wonder how God feels when I reject him on a DAILY basis. Yet, I know what He thinks when He sees me. Even after all of the times that I say “no thanks” to my Heavenly Father, He still smiles down on me. He continues to offer me His hand. God tells me that it’s ok, and I’m forgiven. Holy cow, y’all (well that was a little bit Texan).
The whole point of the last two paragraphs is to say that I’ve realized that I don’t have super powers (bummer) and I never will (darn it). But it’s ok because I don’t need them. I’ve got my Fortress, my Rock, and my Shield protecting me every day, no matter what. When I receive a grade that I really didn’t want and I want to run and hide in a hole for the rest of my life, God stops me and tells me it’s ok. He tells me my identity isn’t found in those A’s (or even the C’s….), but in Him alone. He reminds me who I am.
So, this is me. I’m a scatter-brained perfectionist who has a million things going on in my mind all of the time. But I’m also a student; not only in the educational sense, but in the spiritual sense as well. As I work towards my Master’s degree in nutrition, I am slowly, but surely, working on my relationship with The Lord. I am learning and trying to apply what He is teaching me. Just as I am learning to create relationships with my professors at school, I am learning that I need to pursue a relationship with my spiritual professor. He is the only One that can give me exactly what I need to make it through life. Because when it comes right down to it, I don’t need A’s to make me happy (I’m still working on believing that 100% of the time), I need the peace and the joy that only Jesus offers. I need His grace and mercy on a daily basis. I need Him, and only Him.