I am so blessed to say that God has shown me His purpose for my life. I am blessed to say that I am okay with living with CF. This past summer, I decided to write a letter to CF. I just wanted to get all of my feelings out on paper. When I wrote it, I really had no intention of sharing it with a lot of people. I did share it with those closest to me, but I’ve kept it hidden away since then. It is dated June 25th, 2013-almost a year since my last suicidal thought and since God completely changed my life. I feel that now is the right time to share this letter with all of you. Again, I want to remind you that I will not hide who I am on this blog, and I am going to be completely real with you. I hope that when you read this letter, you can see how big my God is. My faith is what has carried me through these twenty years of living with CF. My faith is what will continue to do so.
Dear Cystic Fibrosis,
I want you to know how much I hate you. Yes, I am aware that hate is a very strong word. You tear me down and hurt me every single day. You cause me more pain than anything else. I have suffered from your symptoms every day of my life for the past twenty years, and I will continue to do so until a cure is found. I can’t tell you how many times I have struggled with not wanting to live because of the pain you have caused me. I have grown up different from everyone around me, and few people understand me because of you. I do not think that people are supposed to feel as if their doctor is one of their good friends, but I do. I was bullied when I was younger, and sometimes it’s been hard to see that I am beautiful because you make it so hard to gain any weight at all. All the nights that I have cried myself to sleep, wishing you would just go away. All the times that I have wept for my family and the sacrifices they make for me each day. I used to be scared to fall in love, because I didn’t want my future husband to have to love someone who may not be able to grow old with him. I didn’t want my future kids to grow up without a mother. It’s amazing how, some days I feel invincible. I do not feel sick. Other days, you hit me like rock. I get so tired and weak. My stomach hurts all the time, and the wheezing comes and goes. Some days, it’s all I can do to just BREATHE.
But you know what, CF? After all of this, all of the pain and the struggles…all of the obstacles that you have set before me…I press on. I have come to accept you as a blessing. Yes, I am thankful for YOU. It is because of you that I trust my Lord daily with my life. It is because of you that I am no longer afraid to fall in love, because I know who holds my life. Our journey together has made me strong. I am persistent and strong-willed, courageous, a hard worker, passionate, loving, and grateful because of you. I accept everything that I go through. Why? Well, why not?! My Jesus died and suffered for me! His body was hung on a cross for ME. He was pierced for ME. His blood poured out for ME. So I am fairly certain that I can handle stomach cramps, scarred lungs, life-threatening lung infections, pills and breathing treatments every day, the constant coughing, and even the difficulty breathing. 1 Peter 2:21, 22 says, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps. ‘He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’” In our broken society, we suffer for so many reasons. Christ never sinned, yet He suffered so that we could be set free. Jesus’ suffering was a part of God’s plan, and I know that mine is as well. All who follow Jesus must be prepared to suffer. But our goal should be to face suffering as Jesus did-with patience, calmness, and confidence that God is in control of the future. Some days, it is hard to face my suffering with patience, calmness, and confidence. Sometimes I am impatient, and I cry out to God to heal me. There are many days when my confidence in God is nowhere to be seen. But I still press on for His glory. My favorite verse, John 11:4 states, “When He heard this, Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s son may be glorified through it.’” I know that I am here to glorify my God through this disease. No matter what I go through, He will never leave me. It has almost been a year since my last suicidal thought. Death no longer looms above me. I face my daily trials with joy. Yes, I am tired and I do not feel good as I sit here writing this. Yes, I am wheezing slightly as well. I am not cured of you yet, CF. But I am cured of dreading the rest of my life with you.
So, Cystic Fibrosis, you have given me no choice but to fight. I will fight against you every day, and I will not back down. I am strong, and my heart is set on winning. The sixty-five roses I was given when I was born will be snipped away-one by one. I know that you will continue to fight me as well. You want to win so much, but I want it so much more. I thank God for you each day because of the woman you have helped me to become, but don’t let that fool you into thinking I like you one bit. I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone, but I love my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. So thank you, Cystic Fibrosis. Thank you for allowing me to prove that my God is stronger than you are. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to show the world that there IS a God! He loves me and He has healed me! He gave me this life, and I have chosen to give it back to Him. And so, CF, I bid you good-bye. No, this is not forever. I am sure I will see you again soon. But until then, I will live my life with no regrets. I will love and be fearless. I will be grateful, and I will try my hardest not to take things for granted. I will live to become a mother someday. I will raise my children and show them God’s love and mercy. I will praise my God every day, for He is good. And last but not least, I will not back down. I will win, because I have God on my side.
Jordan Haley Scott
June 25, 2013