I’ve been struggling lately with knowing what God has wanted my next blog post to be about. So many things run through my mind on a daily basis. Titles of possible posts, topics I could write for hours on…but not one of them stood out to me as something that God was calling me to write about this week.
So I decided to wait.
My last semester of my junior year of college started just two days ago. It was an awful first day. My classes are harder, and I feel I have too much on my plate. Yet, I can’t give up any of the activities that I am involved in. One, school is important. Two, my job will make me stand out above all of the other interns applying to stay in Lubbock. Three, my position as an officer for the Student Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics (SAND) will also look great on my internship application. Four, RSC. There is no way I can give that up.
So, I feel overwhelmed and tired. I worked every day of my Christmas break, and therefore I do not feel mentally or physically prepared for this semester (welcome to the real world, right?). To make matters worse, I don’t sleep well. I cough all the time and my breathing treatments aren’t helping. I become frustrated easily and am then not a fun person to be around (or live with!). I feel sorry for my friends and family who are in contact with me almost every day.
I think a lot of people may be feeling what I am feeling right now. Stressed. Tired. Overwhelmed. All of the above. But having a chronic disease that affects your daily life, that seems to weigh you down just a little bit more. I don’t say that for attention, but to just tell the truth. Imagine trying to get through your day when you don’t feel good the entire 24 hours.
Because I have been tired and overwhelmed, I have become a hermit. I live in my bedroom all day. I lay in bed and do homework, read, write, watch netflix, and eat my meals. Yes. I am one of those children who, at this time in my life, takes their dinner to their room and eats. I told you! I have become a hermit! I also have become apathetic to those around me. I basically don’t care to hang out with anyone. All I want is to stay home and rest, people! But sadly, I have realized that I am being selfish and that others are more important than how I am feeling. Not all of the time, but a lot of the time. So now I am an apathetic hermit. What a wonderful combination.
If you follow me on Facebook at all, you might have seen my post a couple of weeks ago. I wrote how I don’t have New Year resolutions, but that I pick a word for my year instead. This year, I have chosen “grace”. I want to give immense amounts of grace and learn to receive grace on a daily basis. I have to learn that when things don’t go my way, it’s okay. I have to learn to deal with my emotions in a godly way, and to show a little self control.
I’ve come to realize that I put everyone around me, including myself, on a pedestal. A very high pedestal. I ask everyone to be perfect and to live up to my extremely high standards. But of course, we are all human, and humans are not perfect. People let me down. I let myself down. That is where things tend to go awry.
I am automatically angry at whoever let me down and I do not give any grace at all. My attitude completely shifts and I am no longer “cute little Jordan” that everyone thinks I am. I am angry. I am disrespectful. I am unglued.
When I am finally able to calm myself, sometimes I remember to pray. I pray for God to change those who hurt me and that they would apologize to me quickly so that I could be nice to them.
Who am I kidding?! I’m trying to take the sticks out of everyone’s eyes when I’ve got a gigantic tree trunk in my own! Lord, change me. That’s my new prayer. It’s simple, but it’s the truth. I don’t ask for Him to change those around me. I have asked Him to change me. Make me new. Make me whole. Help me to see this world from His perspective. Help me to love. Help me to encourage.
As Lysa TeurKurst said in her book Unglued, “I don’t want my headstone to read, ‘When she was nice, she was really nice. But when she was mad, Hell hath no fury like the woman who lays beneath this grave marker!'” Amen. I want my headstone to tell everyone about what I did for God’s kingdom. I want it to tell of the gracious and loving woman that I so desire to be.
Praise God that there is grace for the apathetic hermits.
So the next time you’re feeling a little “unglued”, whether you’ve got a chronic disease or not, remember this simple little prayer: Lord, change me.