When There is No Joy and No Good News

I got a call from my doctor about a week and half ago. They finally got my sputum culture results in and I was growing a mold called Aspergillus. This wasn’t news to me because I had grown it before recently. This mold is actually fairly common and people breathe in its spores every day without getting sick. However, for those of us with weakened immune systems like myself, this common mold can cause all types of health problems including allergic reactions, lung infections, and infections in other organs. So guess which one I have? That’s right, yet another lung infection. So my doctor said I get to start a new antibiotic. Those are the words I hate to hear. New antibiotics for me mean new side effects that I get deal with. So it’s never just as simple as just taking a few pills a day, unfortunately.

Now, I did mention that I have grown this in the past, so you may be wondering why I wasn’t put on an antibiotic then. Well, doctors say that normally Aspergillus will go away on its own after a while. Mine did. But then it came back. So now I’ve been prescribed VFEND, an antifungal medication. However, VFEND isn’t just your typical antibiotic. It’s very expensive (great) and it means having my liver checked every three months via blood draws (my favorite thing) because it can cause abnormal liver function, as well as an array of other things. Sounds fun, right?

Along with this medication, I’m having a CAT Scan done on my chest this Wednesday to see if there is anything in my lungs. It’s just one thing right after the other it seems. I’m tired of it.

Here are my honest feelings. Ready?

Sometimes I get really tired of saying I have CF for a reason. Sometimes I’m tired of trying to look on the bright side of things because honestly I can’t find the bright side all of the time. I struggle to be thankful for my disease when things like this happen. I hate CF. I need a cure.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of the Summer of 2012, right before my sophomore year of college. I was just put in the hospital for the second time since I was 5 years old because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I became depressed because of the pain I was in and I just didn’t want to live anymore. I was done. Today, I’m afraid of feeling that way again. Yes, I am tired of dealing with CF and everything that comes with it. I’m tired of the medications, the side effects, the never-ending cough, and especially throwing up when I cough too hard.

Today I sat around the house trying to focus on grad school homework, when what I really wanted to do was cry. I really needed it. If you’re a girl (or a guy that has been around girls a lot), then you know that sometimes we just really need a good cry. So after my sweet boyfriend got off of work, he brought me a sonic drink and I got to sit in his car and cry while he hugged me and said nothing. Five minutes later and I felt so much better.

Now I know I’ve mentioned depression and I think I might have scared you into thinking that I’m circling the drain once again, but let me reassure that I’m not-and here’s why:

Jason (my boyfriend) and I have talked about marriage for quite a while now. When Jason and my dad first started meeting together about this time last year (secretly, I might add), my dad told Jason that if he wanted to court me, he would not be allowed to just “try me out”, and Jason agreed. He was in this for the long haul.

With Jason in the picture for the last ten months, God has given me so many blessings through the greatest man I have ever met. I care for him more than I have ever cared for anyone. I look forward to what we will accomplish together.

When I struggled with depression before, I didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but my own. But now, I have someone else I need to think about. I have someone that I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt. Of course, I’ve always had my parents, Karli, and my friends whom I love dearly-but this is different.

I told Jason today that I was afraid of falling into depression again. But now, I know I don’t need to be afraid of that. God puts people into our lives for a reason. I knew when Jason and I met in high school all those years ago that he was someone special.

Well, I started this post pretty upset and wouldn’t you know that God would use something that I love (writing) to heal my wounds and brighten my day a little. I’m grateful for how He works and for who He chooses to use in my life to make me smile.

For now, you’ll be glad to hear that I’ve been taking my enzymes consistently (it’s a miracle!) and eating all the time. I’m working and taking two graduate classes to keep me busy. I’m spending a lot of time with my family and with Jason before the crazy season starts again in August. I’m not joyful all of the time. God is challenging me, I know. But my faith in Him stands strong. For now, I’m doing the best I can.

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5 thoughts on “When There is No Joy and No Good News

  1. Sweey Jordan, you are one of the most pleasant, elegant person I have ever known, and what I admire most in you is your ability to smile wide and bright even when in pain. You make having CF look easy 🙂 Stay strong! And its ok if you want to cry and feel helpless, we are but humans..we are allowed to be vulnerable. Thank you so much for sharing a page from your diary with us. And last but not the least, you write really well..very cool!!

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